a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
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Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?