a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
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Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.