a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
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Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
This made me smile…
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.