A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
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“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
multitasking lunch
Mornin
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name