A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

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You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.


Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.


doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar


Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce


This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…


You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.


*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that



Me: ok, good talk

4: no


Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this