You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
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Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
men ruin everything lmfao
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me: ok, good talk
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this