A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
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What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
happy halloween
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
