A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
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Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Every
Single
Year
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors