A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
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Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Animal poetry
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal