A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
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Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?