Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!

Me: He is? How?

2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!

Me:

are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]

“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”

Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester

The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.

So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”

Brought flowers home to wife.

Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”

Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.

Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*