A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
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What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Any refunds available?…
