Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”

If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.

Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately

Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol

husband: aren’t you excited?

me:

husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.

New modem

5yo: What is that?

Me: an alien detector

5: It has a glowing green light.

Me: means it found one.

5: It’s pointing right at you

Me *evil grin* I know

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.