I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
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ME: Hey congrats, I hear you’re pregnant
CLIENT: Yes, thank you!
ME: *trying to think of a good power move* Many species eat their young
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Awesome parenting 😂
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.