@Cpin42

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

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@semple42

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

@Home_Halfway

ME: Hey congrats, I hear you’re pregnant
CLIENT: Yes, thank you!
ME: *trying to think of a good power move* Many species eat their young

@GrantTanaka

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

@Fred_Delicious

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

@UncleDuke1969

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

@PetrickSara

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

@Darlainky

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

@DevilryFun

You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.