A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
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batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?