A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
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80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.