A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
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Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Bit chilly again tonight.
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*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
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I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
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We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?