A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
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(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Boating season is upon us.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
sistine chapel
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?