A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
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me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
And now we wait
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
same vibe as tangled headphones
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”