A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
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cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I just tested negative for patience.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Fluff me with a fork baby
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?