A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
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Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Liquor Store Parking
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine