A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
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Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.