Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.

Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet

What about a To-Don’t List?

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!

My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes

god: who wants a bear?

usa: I want a black one

arctic: white for me

china: can I get a swirl

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.

My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

I went from rags to one rag.

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

This made me smile…

ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol

PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.