Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.

I can’t get the cork off my dinner.

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray

Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you

the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.

me the second it drops below 70 degrees

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.

Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

Parents: Your room is a mess.

Me: You really need to see my life.

“Who’s your favorite vampire?”

“The one on Sesame Street.”

“He doesn’t count.”

“I can assure you that he does.”

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.