A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
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All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Worlds greatest photobomb
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
This is me
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”