A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
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Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
S M O L
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father