Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face

Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?

wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

me: listen pal no one talks to me that way

guy with british accent:

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk

got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite

Her: are you almost done?

Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page

Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago

Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:

With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.

You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?

Meet my cat.

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.