A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
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mariah carrie
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.