A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
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I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*