Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
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ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Everything is so great right now, she exclaimed.
Morgan Freeman: It WAS great. And so it was now that the universe decided to intervene.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Can’t quit smoking? Wear mittens all the time.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
[Chasing a man out of the bathroom with a pube] Sir you dropped this!
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before