@carlyken

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

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@TheIntComShow

Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film

@UncleDuke1969

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

@QwertyJones3

Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.

@MsSkarsgaard

Everything is so great right now, she exclaimed.
Morgan Freeman: It WAS great. And so it was now that the universe decided to intervene.

@hunz74

Can’t quit smoking? Wear mittens all the time.

@WotDLuck

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge

@gylertagan

[Chasing a man out of the bathroom with a pube] Sir you dropped this!

@LlamaInaTux

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before