Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.

asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

Email from my mom: What’s my email address?

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”

It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.

Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind

Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal

*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*

Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?

Husband: *eye twitches*

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

*installs google translate*

*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*

*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.

Me :

All Day At Night

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.

PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)