a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
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“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see