a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
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“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
the council will decide your fate
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano