a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
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Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm