A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
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Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*