A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
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me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.