Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.

Dogdamnit, autocarrot.

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.

I’d … I’d rather not.

Real bees work best

Current mood: Potato

I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.

Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.

Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”

*Follows dreams

*Ends up at refrigerator.

Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.

“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”

~police asking for help in my disappearance

Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up

if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.

Just so funny

My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.