[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
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8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute