[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
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has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂