Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?

Fleeced Navidad

#GoldCrackers

That de-escalated quickly

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

I self medicate, therefore you live.

Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.

[shakes fist at other fist]

My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.

[my first day as a bank teller]

guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal

me: i’ll need to see some ID sir

guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID

me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?

guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery

me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?

[being 40]

fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job

me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –

FD: your body is only 38% recovered today

me: wtf

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.