Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: agh I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

i like to flex on them by shrugging

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

Me: Why were my tests so expensive?

Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.

Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?

Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.

Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties

The 5 signs of laziness

1.

You’d be amazed at the number of people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain who also have a suspended drivers license.

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.

Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.

Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely

Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?

*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??