[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
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If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching: