A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
You Might Also Like
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.