A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
You Might Also Like
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
What do you text your spouse?
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
inventing words: clothing
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.