A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
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“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
#milo
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.