A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
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It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
hello pervert is such a strong opener
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS