a public service announcement
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Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
OMG 🤣🤣
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
decorating my apartment
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.