A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
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I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Growing out my freckles.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Seems a bit forward
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.