Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.

frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

Well, this explains it:

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.

I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.

me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today

platter of various cheeses:

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then

3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics

2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.

kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back

dad: oh god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees

love pickles so much i put myself in one

[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles

[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head

Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.