A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
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Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
When you put it that way… 😂
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
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