My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
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What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time