A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
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After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Don’t we all.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
