Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?

Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.

*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt

Husband: Where are you going?

Me: I have to run a quick errand.

Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?

Me: Maybe.

Husband: Let me grab my wallet.

Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.

Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

Me: 👌

Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.

Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.

Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS

Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.

My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.

“What’s wrong with you?”

Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.