A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
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We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?