A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
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Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers