A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
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“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Ok but actually
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
no way 😭
