A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
You Might Also Like
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.