A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
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Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
The government even made aliens boring
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.