Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*

*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*

*fixes the ice cream machine*

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!

Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…

Well, toucan play at that game.

Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap

This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.

She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?

That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

My zodiac sign is pistachio

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”