Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.

just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.

*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.

*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids

Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

Wife: “Tony is coming round”

Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”

Tony: “I’m here for the money.”

*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.

HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?

ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.

HER: I need to see other people

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.