A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.
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I bet doom scroll meant something way cooler in the middle ages.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Others: I run so I can eat pizza
Me: I just…eat pizza
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Grandpa
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!