A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.
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It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
When my husband asks if he can get something out of my purse, I have to give him full-on GPS instructions: “It’s in the main compartment, to the right of the trail mix. And if you even look at my trail mix, I swear…”
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Social distancing in Australia:
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.