A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.
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I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I can’t wait!
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes