A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
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*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Heroic Misunderstanding
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do