@FootballCliches

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.

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@joeljeffrey

I have a stalker now and it’s super creepy. She shows up wherever I go… her house, her job, the women’s restroom. I don’t know what to do.

@thegingercorn

9 just turned the toaster all the way up and basically made charcoal for breakfast, so I’m ordering new furniture with his college fund.

@zachreinert03

I think the term copycat serial killer is a bullshit term. They can’t kill the same people as the other guy

@Flora__Flora

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

@DharBluee

Wife: I am going to London, what gift do you want?

Husband: One British girl.

*wife returns from London*

Husband: Where is my gift?

Wife: Wait for nine months.🙂

@sophielou

(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY

@Dad_At_Law

So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.

4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.

@Smooheed

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.