A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
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The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.