Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.

Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:

1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.

See ya later, alligator.

After a while, crocodile.

Catch ya mañana, little iguana.

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

It will always be this

ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

[Bethsaida 28 AD]

BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves

“Five loaves please”

BAKER: Huh?

“Jesus is here”

BAKER: Sonuva

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.