A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
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It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Life cycle of cat
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.