A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
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if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D