Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!

Me: hmmm

Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life

Me: 🤔

Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die

Me: ya ya that’s the one

God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.

ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.

When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.