Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

[emptying dishwasher]

HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET

[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

I don’t understand why I can’t find a girlfriend. I have a good job where I’m my own boss. I own a boat. I have lots of friends. I have a peg leg and an eye patch and a hook for a hand

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨

6. me as a lawyer

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”