Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[kidnapping]

BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.

ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]

BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.

ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

Him: don’t say anything embarrassing

Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby

Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.

*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

Covid like

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.

We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell

DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again

ME, AN OCTOPUS: what

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.

No one:

My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

Five Secrets of Successful People:

1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same