Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.

they split up moments later

My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.

Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10

to be Frank, i would have to change my name.

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror

Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰

Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive

SISTER: i’m engaged!

ME: awwwwwwwwewwww

SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there

ME: …no

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda

[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

at ease…shoulder.

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.

He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.