Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”

Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws

Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.

The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?

I only eat vegetarians.

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?

I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”

Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.

While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife