A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
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Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.