Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.

She said yes.

Part ways through the first episode she asks:

“I wonder when we meet Evan.”

I asked, who?

She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

#oldknees

Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”

My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

*finds all 7 dragonballs

*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.

The optimist sees the carrot.

The pessimist sees the stick.

I see the ranch dip.

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

interviewer: how did u hear about us

me: *sweating* w-with my ears

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

Good news: My son cleaned his room

Bad news: He found his harmonica

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it