Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains

I was just discussing this with my cat

Me: Don’t spit at your sister!

4: I’m a bunny.

Me: Bunnies don’t spit.

4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.

How to dress when you are a woman over forty:

1. Be a woman over forty

2. Put your clothes on

Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.

scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?

me: i’ll give it a go

scientist: but you were just here yesterday

me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.

ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently

Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

* Wins lottery

* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

I didn’t come here to be called names