“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
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New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
How is it still this week?
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material