A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
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Fight
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Lol
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
