A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
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“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days
i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Snack for election night!
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse