A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
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Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
This makes total sense…
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.