Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

We don’t deserve birds.

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed

guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here

I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.

“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

“snitches get stitches”

Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997

I just got arrested for felonious mopery

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.

If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.

I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.

*starts crying*

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers