Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”

– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

i think both sides are to blame here

GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

My love language is deader than Latin

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.

10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.

Well there goes my Wednesday night.

Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back