A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
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me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
thanksgiving in nutshell
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
Her: You’re so quiet.
Me: Thanks, you should try it.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.