Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!

My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag

My left hand: imma pet this doggie

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

*quits cold turkey*

*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

I could NOT have put it better myself.

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.

#WorldWaterDay

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.

When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.

Waiter: Any questions about the menu?

Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.